the guilt of a working mother

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

white shimmering snow

Wow... has it really been that long since I've blogged? My mind is constantly bursting with ideas but time has been practically non-existent in my part of the world.

October, November and December were hard months for me; the first trimester of my second pregnancy was nothing like my first. I had pretty bad morning sickness (or should I say all-day-sickness) and working was draining every ounce of energy in my body; I ended up sleeping from 5PM to 6AM. Thank goodness I have a good husband; he ended up doing all the chores, cooking and taking care of our son.

As for the winter days (December, January, February), they've been slightly depressing. I leave home for work, it's dark. I come home from work, it's dark. I rush in the morning to prepare my son (eat, diaper, snowsuit), then I rush to daycare/work (hopefully beating traffic...because apparently no one remembers how to drive in the snow) and then rush back to daycare to pick up my son. I get home and cook as quickly as I can. All of this, hoping that I might have at least 30 minutes of free time at the end of my day to dedicate entirely to my son.

No day light and no "me" time pretty much sums up to no pictures (so sad). On the weekends, I catch up on everything I didn't have time for during the week; laundry, groceries, meal preparation for the following week, cleaning, and most importantly, playing with my son. Seriously though, I know I'm fortunate; everyone is in good health, we love each other, we have food and a home. Sadly, it doesn't take away the guilt.

This is what my weekly schedule looks like. Keep in mind that in the winter there's a lot more traffic and it takes longer to get ready with all the snow gear and the shoveling.

weekly schedule
6:00am to 6:30am - Eat breakfast together, brush teeth, change diaper, get dressed
6:30am to 7:30am - Drop off my son at daycare & drive to work
7:30am to 3:30pm - Work
3:30pm to 4:30pm - Pick up my son at daycare & drive home
4:30pm to 6:00pm - Prepare & eat supper together
6:00pm to 6:45pm - Play with my son
6:45pm to 7:00pm - Bed time routine for my son
7:00pm to 8:00pm - Mommy and daddy time

On Monday nights I do Prenatal Yoga, on Friday nights my son has swimming, on Saturday mornings my husband teaches squash downtown and on Sunday mornings my son has a music class.

canadian sled ride with my baby

I am a working mom.

Sending my baby to daycare after a year of maternity leave was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and it still is. It feels like someone else gets to raise my child. Someone else gets to see him learn and grow. It seriously breaks my heart. This little being is such a sweetheart. He bursts with positive energy, smiles all the time, and hands out plenty of free kisses. He is my everything and I wish I could spend every waking minute with him.

Maternity leave was amazing. I had plenty of time with my son and I even had some time for myself (photography, blogging, cooking, crafts...). I had time to clean, time to cook, time to do laundry, and time to enjoy life with my husband.

I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom after my children were born; especially during the first 5 years of their life. Unfortunately, our current financial reality just doesn't allow it. Which is why I returned to work. I try to tell myself it's for the best and that he's getting a chance to socialize with other children his own age. But is it for the best? I hope so.

I want a strong lasting bond with my child and I'm afraid that by spending so little time with him will make this dream impossible to achieve.

My dear sweet boy,

Know that mommy is always thinking of you. You are the light in my life; my reason to be.

I love you, forever.

6 comments:

  1. I can't imagine how difficult it is to work full time and raise children. One reason why I choose not to teach full time is because I can't imagine working with 25+ children all day and having any energy for my own at the end of the work day.
    But you are doing amazing. You are doing what's needed for your family, and all that matters is that you're there for them. I don't mean physically, but that your love is there for your son when you're at work. He knows you're there for him, regardless of your work or pregnancy-induced-sleep schedule. Just keep giving him that momma love ;)

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  2. Thanks Tan, your words are encouraging. I really needed a morale boost. I don't think I'll ever "get used to it" but I can take comfort in knowing that soon, he will have a sibling that will be with him at daycare. I didn't know you're a teacher, what grade do you teach?

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  3. You are amazing, Julie, I'm happy you are back ;) I really can't imagine how difficult it is to work full time and raise children but I'm sure you are doing a great job! Your kids will understand that you love them and you are doing this because is good for your family. Don't forget to take time out for you ;) You deserve it!

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  4. Thanks for the support Elba. I appreciate it a lot. I certainly hope my kids will understand. I started taking a bit of time for myself lately, writing down recipes, decorating my home, printing out pictures for albums, playing World of Warcraft once a week, and soon... when there is enough day light left after work... perhaps I can take some decent pictures to write some of this down (I don't really like blog posts without at least 2 pictures...)!

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  5. I totally agree with below, you are amazing. As a working mom I know it`s tough already - but with a toddler and a bun in the oven?! phew. amazing.

    Also, I think you should come play Rift with me.. because it`s free! ;D

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  6. Ahah, that made me smile. We seem to have a lot in common miss artsy video gaming blogging gal. ;) I tried Rift a while back, didn't care so much for the graphics. I can try it again, but I can't promise I'll have much more free time than I currently have. Thanks for the cheering up Chelsea. :)

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